This isn't blog worthy.
So, I was itemizing things I think I identify with (as I often do to see if I feel like it's the appropriate identity for me) variants I hide and share, etc. I'm pretty much an open book for someone with social phobia/agoraphobia with panic disorder.
Anywho, I guess I'll start somewhere.
I am an antinatalist. I do find it immoral to breed. I don't impose my views because of the shadow that I could be wrong. I always acknowledge the fact that there still could exist an angle or two I hadn't considered. But as far as I'm concerned, it is. Bringing a person into the world when you don't have to is so messed up because of the crippling fear that we will ALL die. Even if the planet was a perfect utopia, death is inevitable. So out of sheer nihilism (and proximal atheism) breeding seems wrong to me. Plus, how many kids need a home, and lost it to breeders because people have a critical need to have kids with matching genetics?
As stated earlier, I see myself as a nihilist. I don't believe there is any reason for life to exist. I think we exist because that's how the universe works. It can have life in it.
However. I do believe that we define our own purpose in our exponentially short time here. For me, my purpose is to talk the people I love. My friends, my cats, my husbunny... Anyone with "Light" inside them that I can detect is my reason. I like hearing about their life, their journey, their ideals, beliefs, fears, pleasures... Whatever makes them whole. I like seeing someone's character. Everyone is a Rubic's Cube and it's so fascinating to see them be themselves.
In my nihilism I am free.
In my antinatalism, I am uninvested in the future of the world. Sure, I have opinions about how it ought to be, and if I feel like I have the power to help people in front of me I will. But I don't believe I possess the power to make a difference in a large-scale way. I don't think anyone really does and I find these ideals to be a bit... "magical" in that I doubt the authenticity. However, I'm prepared to admit when I'm wrong, even here.
Bluntly speaking, I don't care to work toward a future that I will not be present in. I have no kin to defend either and the world made it very clear to me that they don't believe in the dangers they're conjuring. All I can hope for now is to outlive anything too dramatic, and continue to plug away at life until it owns me.
"Then why not just kill yourself?"
Petty. But it's a fair question. Simply put, and a driving force behind my antinatalism, I'm afraid of death. Anything I feel like I'm capable of based on what I have around me to use doesn't feel like it's a secure death. Then if it were, how long will it hurt for? Hedonism protects me for now.
Ah, hedonism. I became familiar with the term from Futurama thanks to Hedonism bot. But it's a good identity for me. I want to be comfortable at all times. If I'm not comfortable, I'd better be making money. So you can imagine my distress when I have to go out of my comfort zone. But I do it for another form of payout.
Being uncomfortable can make people I love happy. And seeing them happy makes me feel like I'm doing what I can to care for them. Which puts me in a pickle. How much discomfort is too much then? At what point does my sacrifice become taken advantage of? I genuinely don't know. Sometimes I gladly deal with discomfort for others and sometimes it angers me because of that darker feeling that comes with it.
But I don't want the people I love to go away.
It isn't a fear if loneliness as I'm perfectly happy in my isolation. It's far more complicated than that. I learned to love the people I became acquainted with. We started off as generic friends... People we look forward to chatting with online or wherever we met, but nothing dramatic. Then it happens behind the scenes; we talk more. Something deep becomes relevant and one of us are there for the other. We're exposed; our raw emotions. And everything that needed to be said is said, and roots of friendship take seed. So we move closer, putting more cards on the table as we enjoy being accepted by one another. Not needing to worry about what it is we're exposing.
I don't need a specific count of people I feel this for. But I do need the people I feel this for. Because in that moment does love happen. We're close, like a family.
I often dread this moment with people as I feel like after this magic hour, I become clingy and creepy. Anxious to talk again about myself or you, or something related to what we know.
I mean no one harm but I also can't afford to care about much outside of that. I feel my emotions extremely intensely and I need the world as I know it to be the world as it is. If you need me to be a fighter for faceless people, to care about the crimes in another land as I do my own, I think I would have a heart attack.
Some of us can handle it and some of us need to be callous. It's the only way we can meet the sunrise in the morning with a fragile smile and enough energy to make it through the day for those we can help.
I'm sorry... I'm not strong.